I met a Buddhist monk who shared the secret of life with me.
But before I give it away, I think some context is needed.
I used to have a job that required me to study Buddhism. I spent years reading about it, writing about it, and living it. I spent a lot of time with monks.
People with titles are often put on a pedestal. Monks are no different. It’s a real problem, beyond the scope of today’s topic, but worth mentioning. Any type of idolization creates a distorted view of that person. It also distorts your reality.
No single person has all the answers. Be open to learning but never mistake any teaching for worship.
This particular monk wasn’t the first monk I met. The sense of novelty wore off long before.
This monk was a bore. He had zero conversational skills and always looked upset. The only thing he seemed to enjoy was Red Thai Curry. And even then, as we sat together eating, I could never tell if he was enjoying the food.
I spent 10 years climbing the ‘corporate ladder". Successful by societal standards but empty inside. This emptiness, funny enough, feels like a societal standard itself.
This monk, well into his 80s, spent his lifetime giving it all up.
He shaved his head and changed his name. A custom most monks maintain that symbolizes losing ones identity and detaching from the ego.
He had no material possessions. A few used books, paper and pencils, and a worn out wooden cane to help him walk.
He ate when food was available and fasted when it was not.
Nothing bothered him and I hated that about him.
His emotions consisted of grunts and slight smirks from time to time. I'm sure he had life problems, but he was never caught in any of it.
He had this confidence in himself and the universe. As if anything that happened was meant to happen and everything would work itself out.
After months of getting to know this monk, he shared the secret of life with me. Not with words but through his actions. His actions made me question my own.
He had no desire for gain and no fear of loss. In giving up everything he gained much more. He was a slave to nothing and because of that, he was free.
I came to realize that loss leads to genuine growth and fulfilment.
Who Is The “I” You Claim To Be?
Your sense of self is not yours at all. It’s a collection of beliefs, stories, and conditioning from your childhood. If you were lucky, your caregivers made a sincere effort in raising you. Most people do the best they can with what they know.
But no matter how good their intentions were, they had their own beliefs, stories, and conditioning imposed on them. And those got passed down to you.
Sometimes it’s difficult to see the patterns you’re caught in. You’re too close to catch them. But a good way to gain some clarity is to see where your parents struggled.
The places where they were stuck or continue to be stuck is often the work you need to do.
If they found it hard to show emotions or give affection, chances are you do the same.
If they were irresponsible with their finances, you might be making the same poor choices.
The extremes are also true. Lack of attention growing up can make you cling and overcompensate in relationships. The key is finding healthy balances.
As children we look to the external environment for clues on how to manage our experiences. When faced with a challenge, we responded the same way those around us responded to similar things.
If there were no cues available, we created our own.
We have all experienced things that had no immediate clues about its resolution. When this happened, we developed strategies that eased the distress. It didn’t matter if it was a healthy way to deal with it or not. If it worked, we internalized it. Not knowing it could be harmful in the long run.
A simple example to bring this point home:
You’re in grade 2 and the teacher asks a question. You raise your hand to answer but fumble over your words. All the students break out in laughter and even the teacher cracks a chuckle. You’re flooded with embarrassment. Your vision narrows and your heartbeat quickens. The flight response activates. You sit back down and are overcome with fear. It feels like death.
A few moments pass and everyone gets on with their day. By the end of the week, no one remembers this incident.
But you do. You haven’t stopped thinking about it.
You tell yourself you never want to feel that way again.
You do this by never raising your hand in class. This branches out into other aspects of your life, outside the classroom. You stop putting yourself out there. You refuse to speak your mind. You limit the risks you take. The fear of embarrassment is too big.
At such a young age this is all unconscious. It happens in an instant. It’s a normal defense mechanism your psyche puts in place to protect itself.
By the time you get older, it becomes you.
In this example, it served you well when you were 7 years old. But now you’re 23 and it’s a part of your identity.
You’ve become the person who’s soft spoken, shy and insecure. You don’t take chances in life and you play it safe. This is how I am, you tell yourself. And you don’t even realize why.
This, of course, is a simplified example. But it's connected to a larger dilemma.
As a child, you faced something that required you to create a resolution in response to a difficult experience. You might not realize it. You might not notice it affecting you in your daily life. But it’s there. Running in the background and maintaining the script you put in place many years before.
The Role of Loss in Personal Growth
You have to lose your self to find yourself.
Society has it backwards.
You’re told to gain more knowledge through an educational system others’ put in place.
You’re told to gain more money, more titles and more status in your career by people who are miserable in their own.
You’re told to value materialistic things. The big house, the fast cars and the designer clothing by people who benefit from those purchases.
More equates to better. The more someone has, the more successful society tells us they are.
This is the script you’ve been fed.
It’s also a lie.
Genuine gain often comes from loss.
You have to lose your fear of failure to gain confidence and resilience.
You have to lose your anger and resentment to gain inner peace.
You have to lose your need for control to gain freedom.
You have to lose the stories, beliefs and conditioning other people imposed on you to find the path you’re meant to follow.
Gain for the sake of gain is not going to fulfil you.
If your idea of success is making a million dollars, you won’t be happy until you reach it. But even if you do reach it, you’ll soon realize that nothing has changed about you except your financial ability to gain more things. And you’ll still be miserable.
There’s nothing wrong with making a million dollars or any pursuit I’ve mentioned here.
The question to ask yourself is the why behind it.
Being fixed on a set of ideas, beliefs and values that are not your own is how people remain unfulfilled. No matter how rich or successful they become. Because once they achieve it they find themself empty inside. They realize they still need something else. Something more.
You might have heard quotes like “Money can’t buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Ferrari than a Ford.” Or some other variation of this.
What a ridiculous statement. People buy into this shit because we’re conditioned to think external conditions will resolve internal ones.
If money and status was all it took to find fulfilment, every celebrity, CEO, professional athlete and millionaire would be completely content and happy. Take a look around. How many of them are miserable and self-destructive?
There are enough case studies to see this for what it is.
When you lose unhelpful beliefs you create the space for growth.
Paradoxically, losing what’s unnecessary or harmful leads to gaining something far more valuable. Clarity, freedom, and a stronger sense of self.
Losing your self leads to finding yourself.
You find yourself when you look within.
Strategies for Embracing Loss
Are you willing to spend 60 years living for others before you start living for yourself?
How much time has already passed by? How much more will you give away?
This is the secret I learned from the monk.
He lost everything. But in this process of losing he gained much more.
So, is the next step to join a monastery and shave your head? No (unless you want to).
You don’t have to denounce money or live in a cave.
It’s about waking up from the script and moving from auto-pilot to intentional living.
It’s about designing the life you want to live.
You can use the reflection and contemplation of a monk to bring clarity, vision and guidance into your life.
It’s about having awareness and looking within.
What you are aware of, you are in control of.
What you are not aware of, is in control of you.
In our race for more we lose. In this monk's pursuit of less he gained.
The secret to life isn’t our ability to gain. Be it money, status, fame, or things. It’s out ability to lose. How willing we are to lose will determine how much we can gain.
Question everything. Life is complex and so are you. You are not a single thing. You are not a person who is shy. You are not a person who is fit. You are not a person who is broken from the past.
You might have experienced shyness, you might happen to be fit, and your past might be full of hurt.
But none of that is who you are.
Being aware of dogma can help you recognize and challenge it in your own life.
Maintain an open mind and a willingness to question and reassess long-held beliefs.
Have a set of diverse perspectives and be critical of the personal growth pushed by society.
You should always be changing and growing. Becoming a better version of yourself each day. With time, even the smallest positive change can lead to drastic results.
Fluidity of identity is an important trait for growth and fulfilment.
Never cling to a set of ways. Always be open to learning.
Learning more about yourself and the world around you.
In the words of Lao Tzu, ‘To attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, remove things every day.’
That’s it for now.
Thanks for sticking around. If you found some value, let me know here.
Chris
P.S.
I love to write in-depth content on important topics. These posts are short reflections and summaries of my longer pieces. To dive deeper and gain access to my complete letters, subscribe here.
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